My alarm goes off like clockwork every morning. And like a well oiled machine I will reach over and hit snooze. I will squint at my alarm and calculate how many times that I can press the button before I will be late.
Today I will miscount.
Because today I am exhausted.
Because today I feel paralyzed when I finally do awake.
My inner voice will scream in time with the alarm. “You need to get up… get up now… yes, you need to get up… get up now.” Like the alarm, my inner voice will grow in volume until I am shouting to myself.
My brain tells my body. “Roll over. Legs over the bed. Sit up.”
Still I will not move.
I will not move because my body is utterly exhausted from being awake most of the night.
I could not sleep.
In. Som. Nia.
I closed my eyes at a reasonable hour. I could not get comfortable. I rolled this way, then that. I decided I had to pee. I got up and peed. I got back into bed. The dog decided that I had a good idea and wanted to go out. I let him out. He did not want to come back in. I went out to get the dog. I laid back down. I put on a meditation. It was too loud. I turned it down. I cannot hear what is being said. I lay in the dark. I did math. How many minutes of sleep will I get if I fall asleep right… NOW. I started to feel anxious. I start to think of all the things that are scary in the world. I thought about all the things I need to do tomorrow and all the things I didn’t do today. I watch a video on YouTube. I read a book.
The alarm sounds again. Finally I can wiggle my toes. I move my legs, and I sit up. I want to crawl right back into bed. I do not want to face the problems at work. I just want to sleep.
But I cannot.
So I get up.
I go to work.
Tonight, the cycle will repeat.