Day 29: A Confession
To start off, I will say that this Blog Challenge has been more difficult than I initially anticipated. I thought that it might be more difficult to pick topics, but sometimes I feel it has been more challenging to write about the topics selected. Tonight’s topic is no exception and I confess that I have been thinking about what to write about for days.
I think that part of the problem is that I am too literal. By definition, a confession reveals guilt of a crime. I have certainly never committed a crime. I have received a speeding ticket. I won’t excuse my actions, but I was in a particularly difficult position a few years ago. The closest I have come to doing drugs is drinking caffeinated drinks. I have never been drunk, and honestly I’ve only ever been even tipsy less than a dozen times.
Alternate definitions indicate that a confession could be of something that one is ashamed or embarrassed about. It was difficult to think of what I would be most ashamed to admit, or what I’m embarrassed about but in the end I came up with two things that I think fit this definition. So I would like to move forward to my confession.
I dealt with a good deal of bullying throughout my life. I was often taunted by other’s about how I dressed and my general level of intelligence, amongst other things. At another entry, I could perhaps talk about some of the things that I endured. That however is not what I am ashamed to confess, but does in fact make me even more ashamed to admit this to you guys. The fact of the matter is, I was a bully too. I’m not sure what my motivation was for behaving this way. All I remember really is that there were a few kids that I went to school with me that really annoyed me and I was just mean to them. Mean to the point of making them cry mean. The worst thing is, that you can’t undo that. I try now to live my life to be kind and loving to everyone I meet, but I can’t take away the hurt I caused to some of my peers when I was younger. Honestly, I think it’s perhaps that if the bullying was aimed towards someone else then it wasn’t aimed at me.
The second confession, is that I still at times allow my abuser to have power over me. Even typing out, “my abuser” just now, I feel scared. He does not see himself as such. I am still afraid. I am afraid of what would happen if he saw this. If he discovered it was me. Could he come after me? He would probably tell me I could go to jail for writing lies. But I am not lying about who I am or what I’ve been through. I am still ashamed of having been abused. I confess that I spent so many years, covering up for him. Trying to convince myself and others that we were okay and that he was not hurting me. After all, he never hit me. I judged abused women for staying, for giving second chances. “I would never put up with that,” I’d say. “I would never allow myself to be abused.”
I have promised myself to be real here. I have promised myself to be authentic. To the best of my ability, I will. This is why, I have selected these confessions. Even if there are only like ten of you that check in, I want you to know I am not perfect. I am human. I aspire to spread goodness and light, but I cannot always succeed.